By Zofia Dove
There is something both challenging and deeply fascinating about allowing ourselves to come close to those who are approaching the end of their lives.
Many of us are frightened to be around the sick and the dying. And even when we are there, we can become so overwhelmed by our own fear, grief, and anticipation of loss that we are not fully open to what they are sharing with us. We may listen without truly hearing, especially when what they describe seems strange or even illogical to us. Yet if we can quiet our own emotions and remain open and receptive, we may discover that those at the end of life have much to teach us.
When people face the approaching reality of death, they are often forced to reflect on their lives – how they lived, what they gave their precious time to, whom they loved, what they accomplished, what they left undone, and what ultimately mattered.
Things that once seemed important can suddenly become insignificant, while things they overlooked can take on enormous meaning.
There are countless life lessons and extraordinary experiences waiting for us if we dare to come close to these people and remain open to their insights and wisdom.
For more than three decades, I have had the privilege of being at the bedside of the gravely ill, the elderly, and those facing the final exit. Some lessons were shared through their words; others came from simply witnessing how people responded to circumstances they could not change. Many of the people I assisted ultimately became my teachers.
What my patients taught me was beyond anything I could have imagined. Many of my personal, cultural, and religious beliefs were profoundly challenged. I not only listened to my patients’ testimonies about what they were experiencing; I also had the privilege of witnessing and experiencing things for which nothing in my earlier life had prepared me. Much of the dogma and fear-based belief about God began to crumble when these experiences became real, tangible, and impossible to dismiss.
Death – the final frontier – is the greatest teacher about life.
It is unfortunate that in a culture so focused on youthfulness, the elderly, gravely ill, and dying are too often pushed aside, as though they have nothing left to offer. We have distanced ourselves from aging, sickness, dying, and mortality – and in doing so, we have also distanced ourselves from some of life’s greatest teachers.
Because perhaps the only way to truly live is to remain aware that our time here is limited.
Imagine knowing that every conversation could be your last. How differently would we speak to each other? Would we finally make the call we have been postponing? Would we spend so much time doubting ourselves or worrying about things that may never happen?
Would we allow fear and anxiety to close our worlds, or would we become more receptive to what life is offering?
We might use our natural gifts and abilities, develop our skills, take chances, explore, create, and discover what we are capable of. We might stop allowing inherited expectations, traditions, and imagined limitations to determine how we live.
We might find the courage to let go of the old and embrace the unknown, the unfamiliar, and the new.
And perhaps we would finally notice how extraordinary the ordinary is.
To breathe effortlessly.
To be carried through another moment by an unnoticed heartbeat.
To take a step, take a bite, swallow, or take a sip of water.
To see, hear, touch, taste, smell.
To feel the wind on our face, smell the flowers, watch a sunrise, linger over a sunset, or dance in the rain.
These are not small things.
They are life itself.
We would laugh more, play more, love fully, kiss passionately, and stop treating ordinary moments as though they are guaranteed. How little time and attention would we spend on situations beyond our influence?
People often tell me that I am a high-energy person, that I live life to the fullest, that I am fearless, and that I can talk to almost anyone. What they may not realize is that much of this comes from spending so much time at the edge of life with others – hearing their stories, witnessing their struggles, listening to their regrets, and seeing what becomes important when time is running out.
Being close to death has changed the way I see life.
It has made me aware of the countless blessings, opportunities, and privileges I have simply because I am still here.
I still have time.
This is why I believe everyone should, at some point, spend time with elderly people, volunteer in a retirement home, sit with someone who is sick, or simply be present with someone nearing the end of their journey.
Not only because they may need our presence, our support, our care, and our love, but because we need their wisdom.
Sit with them. Be open. Be receptive. Listen. Observe.
Be present. Allow yourself to receive what their lives, their stories, their experiences, and even their silence may have to teach you.
You may begin to see your own life differently. You may realize that you still have time to make the call, pursue the dream, repair the relationship, use your gifts, take the chance, let go of what no longer serves you, embrace something new, or simply enjoy being alive.
We are all moving toward the same destination. The difference is that some of us still have time.
So don’t wait until you are lying at the edge of life to finally understand what it means to live.
Listen to those who are leaving. Learn from those who have come face-to-face with the final frontier. Let their regrets, wisdom, and experiences become your teachers while you still have the extraordinary privilege of time.
Perhaps that is one of the greatest gifts the dying can give to the living: teaching us not simply how to die, but how to live.
Zofia Dove is a professional keynote speaker, author and producer, host and director of series “ReDISCOVERING the beauty of Manitoba, Canada”.