The “Rules of the Blues”

I have rarely written anything related to music in this publication. That is best left in the hands of our city’s emanate musicologist, John Einarson. The following, however, was sent to me by and old friend and I can not help but share it with you. I am dedicating it to another old friend, Winnipeg’s own Big Dave McLean. He’s a guy who knows the blues and lives the blues.

This is the “Rules of the Blues” written by Memphis Earlene. (Earlene Gray)

1. Most Blues begin ‘‘Woke up this morning...’’
2. ‘‘I got a good woman’’ is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.”

3. The Blues is simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes … sort of: “Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. She got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weighs 500 pound.
4. The Blues are not about limitless choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch … ain’t no way out.
5. Blues cars are Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs or Sport Utility Vehicles. Other acceptable Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin’ plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg while skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg ‘cause a alligator be chompin’ on it’ is.
9. You can’t have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong.
10. Good places for the Blues: a. Highway b. Jailhouse c. Empty bed d. Bottom of a whiskey bottle.
11. Bad places for the Blues: a. The Bay b. Art gallery openings. c. The theatre. d. Golf courses.
12. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit ‘less you happen to be an old person and you sleep in it’.
13. You have the right to sing the Blues if: a. Your first name is a southern state. b. You blind.
14. You shot a man in Memphis. d. You can’t be satisfied.
15. You don’t have the right to sing the Blues if: a. You have all your teeth. b. You once were blind but now can see. c. You have a pension fund. D. The man in Memphis died.
16. Blues is not a matter of colour. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
17. If you ask for water and your darlin’ gives you gasoline it’s the Blues.
18. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse or dying lonely on a broke down cot. You can’t have a Blues death while playing tennis or while getting liposuction.
19. Some Blues Names for Women: a. Sadie b. Big Mamma c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling
20. Some Blues names for Men: a. Willie b. Joe c. Little Willie d. Big Willie
21. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie and Heather can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

May 2024 marks the beginning of Jim’s 6th year contributing to Lifestyles 55. You can listen to Jim’s podcasts on Lifestyles 55 Digital Radio where you can hear a ton of songs with the name “Memphis” in it.