Reach
I wanted a son, but not at first.
Of all the commandments that God has given, only one has been followed, almost one might say, to a fault. It was first given to Adam and Eve on their expulsion from Eden. ‘Be fruitful and multiply’. Now with the other 10, I had no real issue. Regardless of a person’s religious belief, they provide a fairly decent guide to living a well-balanced and inoffensive life, and I more or less followed them. Okay, I might have skated around the edge of a few of them, a few times, but only the edge. And in my defense, regarding the 10th one, he wasn’t really my neighbour, he wasn’t really married, so she wasn’t really his wife. But I reminisce, I mean digress.
But back to that first commandment. I had no intention of following that one anytime soon. I was newly married; I had just started a new job that I loved, and it rewarded me quite well. I had my life planned out. I was ambitious and had goals – and these goals were all contingent on not following that first commandment.
I always found it amusing when I’d hear guys say things like “we’re going to have a baby” or “we’re pregnant”. No, you’re not. Your wife is, not you. There is no ‘we’. Anyway, it wasn’t going to apply to me no matter how it was worded.
I don’t remember the date, but I remember the exact circumstances, the location, and the words that Donna used to tell me that we were pregnant and we were going to have a baby. We had indeed been fruitful and we were going to multiply. I could not contain the emotions that fought for attention. Some new emotions that I had never experienced before, some familiar emotions, but certainly not to that level. I had a sense that my world, as I knew it, was about to end and the new world in front of me looked dark and devoid of anything resembling happiness. In Biblical terms, it was “without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of Rick”. The evening was not spent in the manner that Donna had planned. Although it was too late, a bit after the fact, the evening was spent in a deliberate celibatory manner instead of a celebratory manner.
I heard once that the reason the human gestation period is nine months isn’t to give the child time to develop inside the mother’s womb, but rather to give the father time to prepare for the birth of that same child. I slowly adjusted my outlook and my attitude. I would use the nine months to adapt and become used to my new role. I was going to be a father and as I thought about it, I realized that I had been wrong. I wanted a son. I was going to have a son. The Duerksen name would live on. My plans now centered around the upcoming birth of my son. If anyone suggested that the baby might not be a boy, I dismissed them. God owes me a son. It was part of the deal. I had obeyed His commandment and was doing my bit to be fruitful. I followed the other 10 almost to a fault – the tenth one notwithstanding – so I was going to be rewarded. If it was a girl, I was going to send it back. I wanted a son, and I was going to have a son.
I was, still am, a bit ignorant about this whole baby thing so it came as a bit of a shock when, in the words from The Gospel of Luke “the days were accomplished” and I found myself in a hospital room, waiting for Donna to bring forth her firstborn son. I was anxious, still not really sure about what was going on.
But eventually, Donna did bring forth her firstborn, and the doctor looked at us and said “Congratulations, it’s a girl.” No, I thought. No, no, no. I wanted a son. Send it back, I thought. Based on the looks the nurse gave me, I must have thought that out loud. It was a good thing that none of the implements of production laying around were close at hand, or I might have suffered harm.
The nurse handed Donna her baby and Donna held her for just a few seconds before holding her out to me. Taking hold of the baby was a reflex, like automatically holding out your hand when someone offers theirs to you. My hands closed around the bundle Donna held out to me and as I looked down, I could not contain the emotions that fought for attention. Some new emotions that I had never experienced before, some familiar emotions, but certainly not to that level. I had a sense that my world, as I knew it, was about to end.
And as I held Maria close, I realized that all along, I wanted a daughter.
