Reach by Rick Duerksen
Dear Dorothy;
The title of this column is ‘Reach’ and it is time for me to reach. To reach out to the next thing waiting for me. At the end of the first column I wrote, for the September 2022 issue of Lifestyles 55, you posted this comment. ‘This is the first in a series in a new column by recovering alcoholic Rick Duerksen.’ I have a slightly – and in some cases, more than slightly – different view on addiction and recovery than most have. Since I stopped drinking, a little more than two and a half years ago, I have never thought of myself as an alcoholic, recovering or otherwise. I used to drink, now, I don’t. I don’t refer to myself as being sober. Most people define sober as not being drunk. I just say that I choose not to drink.
I choose not to drink. I choose. It is a deliberate action. Shortly after I stopped drinking, I was talking to a friend and mentioned that it had been quite easy, so far. I suggested that perhaps my drinking hadn’t been all that bad, after all. Her snort of derision and her sarcastic ‘yeah, right’ carried quite clearly over the telephone line. Yeah, I had a drinking problem. Had. Past tense. That is how I look at it. How I look at myself. I used to drink, now, I don’t. It was really that simple, and that complicated. I often say that putting away (not aside, away!) the bottle was both the easiest difficult thing I’ve ever done and the most difficult easy thing I’ve ever done. I used to drink, now, I don’t.
In the movie “Heaven Can Wait” (yes, another movie reference) an NFL quarterback appears to be involved in a fatal bicycle-automobile accident, and the audience catches up with him as he is strolling around the departure gate in limbo, waiting to board a flight to heaven. It seems though, that his time on Earth was not scheduled to end in the accident. His guardian angel, wishing to spare him pain and suffering pulled him away just seconds before the collision – a collision he would have avoided. The head angel instructs the guardian angel to send the quarterback back to Earth, but by the time all this is sorted out, the body has been cremated, thus removing that as an option.
The rest of the movie shows the spirit of the deceased quarterback being temporarily housed in other people, people whose time on earth was up. Outwardly, the person appeared the same, but the personality and character were that of the quarterback, who was residing inside. After several such attempts, the spirit of the quarterback is housed in the body of another quarterback, and in the end, the two become one. The memories and past life of the quarterback fade away, as he becomes the person whose body he had, up until then, been living in.
In many ways, this describes my journey of recovery. At first, I was still the old Rick, living in the new non-drinking Rick. People saw the new me, the non-drinking me, but inside I was, in many ways, still the old version of myself, complete with my old thoughts, memories, and faults. Over time though, the old me faded away and inwardly I became the person being projected. The old Rick used to drink. The new Rick doesn’t.
When I first started writing these columns, it was something I needed to do. It was a way of ridding myself of my old self, my old way of behavior, my old way of thinking. It was a sail that helped propel me forward. It encouraged me to keep on moving on, and I would like to think that perhaps it provided encouragement to others. Now, though, referring to my old life is becoming a sea drogue, weighing me down and slowing my forward progress. It is time for me to move on, move ahead, and leave all of my past behind. To do that, I need to stop writing about my past.
One of my favorite quotes is by the poet Robert Browning who wrote “Ah, but a man’s reach should exceed his grasp, or what’s a heaven for?”
I am grateful for the opportunity you provided me with, for the chance to express my thoughts and share some of my feelings. It helped me reach the place where I am today. But to continue to reach, I need to let go.
With gratitude,
Rick Duerksen
We are grateful to Rick for sharing his journey with us. He picked up where Al Wiebe left off and I wish him the same success that Al has had. I’m so happy for both these brave men and will always be happy to hear from them in future. If you have a story you would like to share about your life in turmoil and the lesson you are learning, contact me at [email protected].
