Fifty years ago (okay, maybe a few more) my mother imparted many sage words of advice, such as:
• “Don’t talk with food in your mouth.”
• “Keep that up and your face will freeze in that stupid position for the rest of your life.”
• “If your friends jumped off a bridge would you do it, too?” And,
• “That’s what you get for not listening.”
One that she reiterated, time and again, at the table was, “Eat your bread crust, it’s good for you.”
Now I have just read the following in Martha Stewart Living magazine (it’s Sweetie’s. I just happened to pick it up, okay?) which apparently took 50 years to discover: “According to a recent study published in the Journal of Agricultural and Food Chemistry, bread’s crust has eight times more antioxidants than the loaf’s interior.”
Thanks, mom.
• • •
There were a few other wonderful words of advice she passed along back then, which we scarcely hear any more:
“Where do you think you’re going dressed like that?”
“You will over my dead body.”
And the antiquated, rarely-ever-used, “No!”
• • •
I don’t remember the funeral, but somewhere over the years good old Customer Service died. Try to get someone’s attention in one of the big stores. Try to find someone. Maybe it’s your lucky day and you come across someone stacking a shelf, totally engrossed in (A) their daydreams (B) ignoring you. “Excuse me, where can I find the shampoo/bras/electrical switches?”
“Over there.” Pointing or nodding.
“Over where?”
Patiently pointing or nodding again. “Right over there.”
“Could you give me a hint? Maybe a general direction; east or west. Is it in this store?”
• • •
News Item on the flip side of the coin: Cell phone service not welcome
HERE. In 2008, residents of British Columbia’s beautiful Slocan Valley lobbied Telus to stop working on a new transmitter so they could keep the area “ring-tone free.” When portaging your canoe from one lake to another, they said, all you can hear is “the soothing call of the loons or rustling of animals in the forest. The last thing you want to hear is beep-beep-beep-beep…or Colonel Bogey’s March.”
Residents were betting tourists will want to visit one of the few places in North America that remained without “insidious, ubiquitous yakking disturbing the peace.” After a public meeting, Telus agreed to halt work and reconsider. UPDATE: Sadly, everyone re-reconsidered, and the residents are now part of the “insidious annoyance” like everyone else.
In French, on the box it says : “Petit gateaux de forme rectangulaire, aromatise au chocolat, dont la texture entre la biscuit sec et le gateau spongeaux.” On the English side it says, “Brownies.”
• • •
I’m just getting over my cold. I like it that folks say “Bless you!” after a sneeze. That has certainly been around for more than fifty years. “Bless you!” It’s like a little religious moment in your day. But what is it about a sneeze that’s religious? I guess it’s that aura of mist they leave around you.
That reminds me of the tourist who sneezed in a shop in Germany. “Gezuntheit,” said the clerk. “Oh, we’re in luck, dear,” said the tourist. “They speak English here.”
• • •
What I admire about the ‘old days’, meaning (when I was a kid) is that the men wore hats. Whenever they went out, they had on a good fedora. Snappy. Sharp. And they never sat at a table without removing their hats. That was class.
• • •
Advice I learned from my mother: Buy-one-get-one-half price is not a good deal. First, in order to get the “deal” you have to buy two of whatever, even if you really only want or need one. That makes it a better deal for the store. Second, the discount is only 25 per cent on each item. There are 50 percent-off sales all the time. Wait for one.
• • •
Marilyn Monroe was right when she said, “Energy is equal to mass times the speed of light squared.” No, wait! That was Albert Einstein. Marilyn Monroe said, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.”
• • •
My nominee for Lady of the Year at Any Age: Cecilia Smith of Hawke’s Bay, Newfoundland. This spunky 87-year old shot a black bear that had been coming around her cabin. That was the easy part. The problem came when she and her husband, Roland, 81 (her arm candy), tried to load the 450-pound bear into their pickup truck. Too heavy to lift, they put a rope on the animal, then Cecilia climbed, “10 or 12 feet up a spruce tree and rigged a hoist.”
“I went up the tree and hooked the rope around some limbs and then hauled the bear up about three or four feet. Then Roland backed the truck under it and I lowered it down,” she said.
“I still trap foxes, coyotes, beavers, whatever there is. I get a moose licence, too, and caribou.
What else am I going to do, sit down and watch TV all day?”
Someone give me a slap the next time I complain about taking the trash out to the curb.
Michael Stephenson is a retired 25-year veteran of the Royal Canadian Air Force. A displaced Cape Bretoner, he and his wife, Sally, live in Portage la Prairie. Both are enthusiastic world travelers, and especially love driving around all parts of Mexico. Michael’s book, High Arctic Watch – The Frozen Chosen, will be available in early summer 2020.